Wednesday, December 22, 2010

- week

I know I am a few days early but I do not know when I will be able to post in the next week so I decided to go ahead and do my weekly weigh in.  As you can tell it was a losing week for me.  I am now at 309.6 lbs.  This is very good news but I still think I need to be doing more to help the loss.

1.  I need to drink more water-  I did up my water intake from last week but I am still a bit short from meeting my goal.

2.  Exercise-  Yup, need to do that

3.  I am eating smaller portions but I can still eat more than I should be able to but I am not letting myself.  It will be nice to get another fill so I don't feel hungry.

Friday, December 17, 2010

0 week

I officially weigh (cause we all hop on between weigh ins) every Friday and I am going to start posting results and what I think contributed to those results.  In the title of the post it will have "+ Week" if I gained,
 "- Week" if I lost and "0 Week" if I maintained the current weight. 

As you noticed by the title this week I did not gain nor did I lose any weight this week.  It was a little frustrating since I had a fill on Saturday and have been eating less and not many carbs but we all have weeks like this and we evaluate what happened, learn and then hop on the elliptical.  Here are my evaluations for this weeks results.

1.  Exercise:  Yeah, this is a big part of it.  I have been cleared to get of my butt and move for 3 weeks now and have been so busy with things I put higher in priority that it has just not happened.  Well, I guess it just got bumped up in priority and since my husband moved my elliptical machine where I can get to it I have no excuse.  I mean, I am sure I could come up with one but that does nothing but make my butt stay bigger.

2.  Water:  I am not drinking enough water.  I know this for a fact, I am only drinking about 30 oz of water a day.  I am still trying to figure out that whole no drinks 30 minutes before or after a meal thing and then I just forget to drink between meals.  Hopefully, I can get this under control.

3.  PMS:  Yeah, I will put some blame on my female cycle.  I normally gain weight around this time so I can only assume that the PCOS is factoring in a bit this week.  At least I didn't gain with it though.  That brings me to something else.  I am a few days late (not pg still cramping) and I am wondering if my fill messed with my body's timing.  So frustrating. 

So that is this weeks results and evaluation.  As they say in my sons chess club (yeah he is a nerd) I didn't win this week but at least I learned.

Wednesday, December 15, 2010

An Odd NSV

I have mentioned before that I have started using my kids plates and trying to plate my food like the little ones but usually we are seated at the table and everyone's plates are in their spots.  Last night we wanted to have a dinner and a movie thing with some Christmas shows.  I plated up everyone's plate and left them on the table for the kids to get and take to the living room while I got the show ready.  My daughter was confused she couldn't pick out which was hers and which was mine because they were not that different.  I only had a little more than she did so I went in there and gave her the correct plate.  I realized just how different my eating is now.  I no longer "need" a huge portion of food just because it tastes good.  I now eat (for the most part) what my body needs to function! That is a big Non- Scale Victory!!!!!!

Monday, December 13, 2010

First Fill

I had my first fill this past Saturday and it was so not what I was expecting!  I was really nervous the morning of the fill and since being a "Mexico" bandster I had to drive 3.5 hours to the clinic to get my fill under fluoroscope.  Oh, there are clinics that are closer but they either charge 1000 bucks for a fill or don't use fluoroscope.  You will find that if you get your band in Mexico you are like a leper in the US medical field.  Even though my doctor is in the same excellence program, graduated from Baylor and even trains US doctors.  Crap, he was on Oprah and the Dr's.  Oh well.  Anyways, I went with the Fill Centers USA and loved it.  The price was great and the treatment was too.

I got to my appointment an hour early because my husband drives faster than google maps can calculate.  I walked in the clinic and the first person I met was the Doctor.  He was so nice and explained that the nurses were working on other patients and that they would be with me in a moment.  He asked where I was from and I told him, he then asked the nurses to bump me up so that I could get back out on the road!  Needless to say I was taken back and started processing.  They took a face picture for records, measured and weighed me and I read and signed a lot of paperwork.  They then took me back. 

This was the part I was nervous about, the fill itself.  People talked about huge needles and having to sit up with it in you still and I was scared.  So scared that I made my husband go back with me.  They actually let him watch the whole thing!  I walked in and was introduced to everyone and asked some more information about my band.  They had high remarks about Dr Ortiz and that helped me not feel like the leper I mentioned before.  The doctor then had me lie down and I felt a little pin prick around my port area and then nothing.  He said that he found that it was easier on everyone if he numbed people in the port area and he won me over at that point. 

He said that he wanted to start with the starter 5cc's and see how that went. I felt a little pressure and then he asked that I sit up.  I looked down expecting to see this huge needle poking out of my belly but instead saw an iv looking line.  No worries there!  I then had to drink a cup of water.  I was expecting it to go down like butter but instead I went no where.  We waited a second and still just burping and liquid coming up and he had me then start with barium to see what was going on.  The water was hung up in my pouch and not moving.  He had me lie back down and he took it out.  He then started with 4cc and we went through the same process.  It did great.  He wanted to leave it at 4 cc since it looked like it was where it needed to be and he did not want the possibility of me going home and being too full. 

After a couple of days on liquids and soft foods I am anxious to see how regular solids work in my new filled band.  I know that I am not at the "sweet" spot yet since that usually takes a few fills but I want to see if I have any restriction or help feeling full longer.  I will keep you updated and I am so looking forward to losing weight a little faster too!!!!! I hope.

Friday, December 10, 2010

Cursed myself.

So, I was supposed to lose 2 pounds this week to keep on track for my new mini goal but I didn't lose anything.  Nothing at all.  Not even an ounce!  I am just happy I didn't gain 2 pounds!  Really I kind of expected this since I am really close to my cycle right now and I used to gain 5 pounds each month around that time.  I also know that I could have been making a few better food choices since I knew I was in this weird time period for weightloss too.  You live and learn I guess. 

I got a call from my fill clinic yesterday and I am starting to get really excited about this next step.  I know that I won't hit that sweet spot on the first fill but I am looking forward to being that much closer to the sweet spot.  For those of you that don't know what the sweet spot is here is a description.  The sweet spot is when your fill has reached that perfect level for healthy restriction and weight loss.  You aren't hungry between meals, you eat less but you are still able to eat solid foods.  Everyone has a different Sweet spot and it also changes as you lose weight.  Dr. Ortiz says that just like when you lose weight and have to tighten your belt you will have to do the same for the band as the fat around the stomach itself starts to disappear. 

I am having my fills done under fluoroscope, which means that they will be able to actually see where my port is and watch as I swallow barium to see how the restriction is at that level.  I chose this method because without it the dr is just blindly sticking a needle into me and it is not easy to see how the restriction is.  I know that the doctors are trained to be able to "Feel" the port but to me I would just like to take all the guess work out of the whole thing.  It does coast more but I have heard that you won't need as many fills so it might even out the costs a bit.  Most US doctors are very conservative on the fills and will only do a half ounce at a time but I am hoping that with the fluoro the doctor will be able to put more in.  Most people with a 10cc band don't start getting restriction until the 5cc mark and if I have to .5cc up there that will get very frustrating and expensive. 

Wish me luck and I am hoping that the next time I post I will be 5cc's heavier and not as hungry.  I will let you know what the fill is like too.  Needles, barium.....what could go wrong!

Wednesday, December 8, 2010

As promised here are my "before" and surgery pics.

So I promised back in October that I would post my "before" pics and some of my surgical scars the day after the surgery.  I am sorry it has taken so long but they were on my phone and that takes a bit of effort to get on the computer.

Now you know why I needed the surgery.  I hate my body but the thing I hate the most is that huge flabby roll on the bottom.  It is called an Apron and I hate it.  Good news is that it is smaller already!

This is me post surgery 24 hours.  I was really swollen and covered in dye.  It was funny because I had the surgery to get smaller but for about a week after, until all the gas left, I was bigger than before I lost the 30 pounds!

So there you go.  I have posted very embarassing pics of my body to prove to others that they are not alone in the world.  Lots of us are fat and most of us feel ugly and helpless.  I have declared war on my body and I hope that others will follow my example.

Friday, December 3, 2010

New mini goal

As I have mentioned before I set mini goals for myself so that I am able to check things off and feel like I am actually moving in the right direction.  Everybody like to get a gold star and I am no different!  My first mini goal was to meet my weight loss goal for surgery and my new one is to be 299.9 by the first Friday of the year 2011.  I am so close and want to lose the 12 pounds this month to make it.  I am hoping that my fill on the 11th will help me meet the goal.  It would be great to enter into a new year with a new band, new outlook on life and no longer in the 300s. 

I am going to have to step it up since I am only losing 1 pound a week right now,  I figure that I need to be losing 2 pounds a week to make this goal.  So, seeing that number is already starting to freak me out!  My husband has great advice about that though...... when you start freaking out hop on the elliptical and work until you calm down.  I have been so tired and busy lately with holidays and science fairs that I have not been using it and it is starting to give me the stink eye every time I look at it.  It is so funny how an object can make me feel so guilty.  I guess I can start again tonight.  I just hope that it won't be as hard as it was the first time I got it.  Wish me luck, I am going to need it!

Monday, November 29, 2010

loss chart to date.

So I was updating my spreadsheet and realized just how far I have come since September.  I am very proud of myself and excited that I am continuing to lose weight even before my fill.  A few weeks ago I was so worried about the weight gain and once again my husband was right and said that it would start working again.  I am excited to see how things move after the fill.  Here is my chart so far.
9/1/10 - 348.9
9/10/10- 334.9
9/17/10- 335.6
9/24/10- 333.3
10/1/10- 327.3
10/8/10- 326.3
10/15/10- 323.8
10/22/10- 318.4  Surgery date
10/29/10- 313.7  Week of liquids only
11/5/10- 320.1 Creamies (not good for my diet)
11/12/10- 322.8 still on creamies
11/19/10- 319.6 After first week back on solids
11/26/10- 313.7

Monday, November 22, 2010

NSV (non scale victory)

i had an NSV this weekend.  I am in a 26 without wondering.  My sister was found some old clothes she had and let me go through them.  Most of the clothes were way far off on the goal line but I found a few 26 and 24 items that I felt would be good to have on hand since my other clothes are kind of starting to be baggy and in the case of the 30's just plain falling off when I walk.  Of course the 24's are still too tight to wear in public but the 26's fit without problems!  I am very excited about this and can't wait until I really start flying through sizes.

Thursday, November 18, 2010

What is "full"?

This is a question that I am asking myself a lot these days.  What does full feel like?  How do I know I am full?  What is the difference between full and stuffed?  These are all really good questions that I am investigating. 

I am learning that being full does not mean the same thing anymore for me. I am learning to listen to my body and what it is telling me over what my mind is telling me.  I know I am full when I have stopped eating to fulfil my nutritional needs and keep eating to meet my mental needs.  I have heard that some lap band people have a "soft stop" signal that tells them they are full and is a warning that if they keep eating they will be sick.  I haven't found mine yet but I have a few suspects that I am experimenting with.  I have noticed that I do a sort of belly burp type of thing (all inside not a huge burp) or other times I kind of breath deeper.  Both are examples I have seen and there are a few more that I am curious about, some people get a runny nose (sinus season so this won't work) and others get the hiccups.  I did get hiccups today while eating so I stopped and listened to my body and realized I was good to stop eating.  I will keep you updated on "soft stops". 

I am also learning that there is a huge difference between full and stuffed.  Being full means being satisfied but being stuffed means eating almost to the point of pain and sickness.  I have always done this as I have posted before and will probably always fight the urge to do this.  I get caught up in what it tastes like that I forget to stop when I am satisfied.  I will just keep eating.  This has been a learning thing with my band too.  I am making my plate now with the same serving size that I am giving my two youngest children.  Yes, it satisfies me but I will still look longingly at my husbands plate and wonder why I am not eating more.  Then I mentally feel out my body and realize it is because I am full already.  I am retraining myself to recognize full as satisfied and not as stuffed.  Harder than you think it is. 

I am also learning that I don't eat as often either.  I had a mid morning snack the other day and then on my way home from work realized that I did not eat lunch, nor did I miss it.  This surprised me and I started testing myself.  I am not skipping meals or anything but i am not snacking now unless my stomach is actually grumbling that it needs something.  It is also the moment that proved to me that I need to start plating my dishes in smaller portions too since I no longer "needed" the larger amount.  So far so good.  I have not been on a diet this week but lost 3 pound and I am now back at my surgery date weight!  I have a sneaking suspicion that this is from eating until I am full and not a bite more. 

Monday, November 15, 2010

Solid foods!!!!!

Oh, I never thought I would learn to hate soup and creamy food but I really did get tired of it!  I am finally able to eat solid food and it was great!  To be able to chew and bite and feel the food stay in your tummy instead of just sliding right through has been great.  I have learned a few things though that I will share. 

1.  Now that I am on solids I fill up way faster and stay that way longer.  For example, when I was on the creamies and liquids I would fill up fast but be hungry again an hour later.  However, on solids I will use today for an example, I had some club crackers at 7:30 am and it is not 12:16 and I am still not hungry.  Mentally I want to go and eat something and I have been dealing with this all weekend but physically I am fine and so I will listen to my body and not my mind on this and not eat until I am physically hungry.

2.  Bread is still a no go.  Not because of carbs but because apparently I am not able to take small enough bites and chew it well enough for it to not get hung up and hurt like crap.  Talk about a behavior modification tool!  I am terrified of that feeling again so I am going to wait on bread until I am in better control of myself and the way I eat.  Crackers seem to be fine but not bread.  That's fine since I really don't need carbs anyways.

3.  I am more aware of what I am eating now and why I am eating.  I mentioned the mental hunger before and it is amazing how much that plays a part in eating.  I will be sitting at my desk and start thinking I need to get a snack.  Not because I am hungry but because it would be something to do and would taste good.  Having the band is helping me recognize those thoughts and habits.  I am still a long ways off from mastering it but at least I can see what is happening.

I only gained 2 pounds this past week but that is fine.  Before the surgery I was eating about 500 or less calories a day and less than 5 carbs.  I do not want to eat like that now that I have met the pre op goal and can slow down and do this a healthier way.  My body just needed time to adjust to the higher calories and carbs.  Hopefully, I can get this under control and start losing again before my fill appt in december.  That's right I made the appointment but more on that later.

Friday, November 5, 2010

Post surgery.

Day four and since:
The trip home was pretty rough.  It was a long flight, tiny seats and lots of gas pain.  If I was doing this again I would have booked first class on the way home, just for the extra room to move.  It was also kind of hard doing the whole security thing at the airport after surgery.  I forgot I was not supposed to bend over and hurt myself a bit taking my shoes off and putting my bad on the scanner thing. Oh I forgot to tell you that it took us 2.5 hours to get across the border so keep that in mind when you book a flight out.  Anyways,  I was so glad when we finally made it back to our house and then immediately into bed.  The gas pain was pretty intense by this time and it was even uncomfortable to lie down.  I could actually see it move under my skin, like when I was pregnant.  I pulled several pillows from our couch and slept in an upright position for the most part.  This was fine by me since I was so tired I just crashed. 
I had an additional 2 days I took off for work to “recover” and I am glad I did.  I needed that time to work out the gas and to adjust to everything.  I was dizzy and light headed because of the lack of food and calories (still only a couple of ounces at a time) and slept a lot too.  My husband redboxed several movies for me and stocked up on the creamy soups and popsicles that would be my diet for the next 2.5 weeks.  I walked a bit to since that was the only cure for the pressure.  The swelling was really odd too, my belly was lopsided and bruised.  After a few days this went down and I started to be able to eat more.  By Thursday (7 days) I was able to sip on a 10oz soup over an hour and finish it.  This made things a little happier for me.  I lost 6 pounds in the first week.
Week Two:
I started the creamy stage and even though it was better than the broth stage I learned that it is not low carb.  I just finished my second week and I gained back the 6 pounds and had a bit of a sob fest because of it.  I mean, total breakdown, why did I waste 6,000 dollars if I can’t lose weight type of breakdown.  Lucky for me my husband was very patient, understanding and loving while I vented and cried.  He even had great advice and after a night of pouting I took it to heart and feel much better.  He was right, I only have one more week of this creamy diet and then I can get back to the low carb diet that I have already proven that I can stay on.  He also reminded me that the band is not working until I start getting fills and that I need to not expect the weight to just fall off but to be patient and work hard.  He told me that one day I will be losing weight easier and he will remind me of the night I broke down and how far I have been since then.  I hope he is right and now I am just waiting until the time and money for the fill happens.  Wish me luck!

Thursday, November 4, 2010

The Day After

Day three:
I slept better than I thought I would that first night and only had to wake my husband up once to roll me off of my port.  We even managed to sleep in a little.  I had another photo shoot because I wanted pics of post op scars to show what it looks like.  Again, I will post these soon.  I still felt pretty good and decided to hit the road and see what Tijuana had for tourists. 
My husband ate breakfast at a Carl Jr’s that was a few blocks from the hotel and I had a few sips of his juice.  I was just still not up to drinking much.  We then caught a taxi and headed to the Revolucion Ave. to spend some money and have fun.  It was so much fun!  The colors, smells, noise and shops were great.  It was just was we needed to feel like we were doing something cool and fun on our little trip.  We quickly learned that you can get anything for 5 dollars and that my husband does not like to barter for lower prices.  We took our time in walking around since I was still a day out from my surgery but the walking was great for the gas pain.  I would suggest this outing to anyone who has the surgery as a way to keep you active and your mind occupied.  After about 5 hours I started to feel tired and a bit sore so we got a ride back to the hotel and took a nap. 
For dinner we went to subway….I know, but it was close and I was tired.  I actually made it about a halfway through a Gatorade!  We then decided to head in for the night and rented a movie on the TV and posted our pics on facebook.  We stayed up til 9 pm and actually got to see what the city looked like after dark through our window!  Overall, I was a little sore, a little dehydrated and a lot tired but still excited and happy.  All of that put together made for a great night of sleep with the aid of my pain meds!

Wednesday, November 3, 2010

Surgery Day

Day Two:
I guess when you go to bed at 5pm you are destined to be up and awake by 4 am.   This worked out great since our oldest son was calling to wish me luck and to tell me that he loved me.  With all that extra time before meeting our driver at 7am, we were able to relax, take some pre op pics and enjoy a Mexican sunrise.  At 6:30 we headed down to the hotel restaurant for Mr. Fat Girl’s breakfast and learned something, do not eat at a hotel restaurant the food is not that great and it is way over priced.  We then hopped in the van and headed to the clinic. 
Once at the clinic I started to really get nervous.  They took me back and handed me a gown and a paper thong.  Um, that’s right, I said paper thong.  What is sad is that the paper thong didn’t even fit that well.  Talk about kicking a fat girl when she’s down!  My husband got several stink eyes over his inability to not laugh at the thong and helped me into the gown.  The nurse came to put in my IV and I have to say she was great!  I met her the day before and was told that she would be my nurse for the entire process and was pleased at how easily she located my veins without constant poking and prodding.  Once I was hooked up to an IV, paper thong, gown and really tight hose were in place I was shown to my room.  It was actually quite homey and comfortable.  However, the hour wait after that was not good.  I could feel the nerves starting to build and my brain was running so fast that I am pretty sure our neighbors thought something was on fire.  My husband kept trying to entertain me and we even watched a little TV but I kept thinking over what was about to happen.  Finally the Doctor came in to talk with me about the band and to assure me that everything would be great and then I was taken to the operating room. 
The operating room was just like all operating rooms and just as cold too.  They laid me down on the table, strapped me in and then the Doctor introduced me to the others in the room.  After that he started asking me questions about my life at home and all of a sudden he started to unfocus and the sounds of everything started to echo, he mentioned something about being tired and then I was out.  The next thing I remember is waking up and not thinking the surgery had happened yet.  Apparently, I woke up really loud and entertaining to all and my husband was sweet enough to use the video option on his phone and record the whole thing.  I have yet to watch this and probably never will, I will, however, remember this and do the same thing to him.  I was told that I need to let doctors know from now on that I wake up really quickly from anesthesia and might try to pull out breathing tubes, IVs and such.  I relaxed for about 45 minutes listening on and off to my husband making the calls to let loved ones know that all was well and then I decided that I was tired of resting and ready to move.
My husband helped me up and we started walking up and down the halls.  This was actually not that bad.  Maybe it was the meds or maybe I have some super hero power of not feeling pain but I was scooting along pretty well.  To be honest I just needed to keep moving to keep my excitement from getting on peoples nerves.  I made it!  I was banded and about to start on my new life!  Plus they said if I was moving around and doing fine they would let me go back to the hotel and not stay overnight.  I then proceeded to walk rounds for the next couple of hours and sit and read when I needed a break.  The nurse brought me a Popsicle for lunch and a Capri sun after that and I was amazed that it took me hours to get done with the Capri sun.  At 4pm I was sent back to the hotel with pain meds, post op diet and the sweetest husband in the world.  It was good to be able to stay with him instead of the clinic that night and worth the laps.
We ate dinner in the restaurant that night, again not good and overpriced, he had fajitas and I had about 2 tablespoons of broth.  I have to insert here that I really hate broth, I have never liked it and knew that the next three days would not be fun if I had to keep drinking broth.  We then walked back up to our room and I felt bad that he was stuck with me all night instead of being able to party around town.  We snuggled up and enjoyed a quiet night.  OH, we did manage to stay up until 7pm!

Tuesday, November 2, 2010

I am a banded woman!

I have been banded now for a week and so far so good.  I meant to start posting about everything before now but life happened and for some reason my computer kept deleting what I had written so like any good southern girl I threw a fit and refused to post for a couple of days.  I am going to break up my trip into several posts so that nothing is too long and it builds suspense.  Also, as soon as I get a chance I will upload pics of my body before and after surgery and you can see quite clearly why I needed this surgery.

Day one:
We got started at 4am to make our flight but I was so wired that I don’t think that the sleep was missed.  I was fasting by this point for my pre op tests but again….stress made it an easy fast.  I am amazed that I was able to squeeze my hips into the plane seats and was lucky enough to have my husband as my neighbor on all the flights.  I had packed books, music and movies in the hopes of a nice relaxing flight but nothing kept my interest long and I could only focus on what was coming up.  When we landed our driver was already waiting for us so I had no time to wait and be even more nervous because it was a short ride across the border and straight to the clinic.
The clinic was surprisingly nice, very comfortable, friendly and clean.  I signed in with the front desk and sat in the waiting room until they were ready to do my tests.  As I looked around I noticed several other patients and took advantage of the time by getting to know those that had the surgery earlier in the week.  It was great to be able to talk with others that were tired of riding the weight loss roller coaster and making the same choice that I was.  I didn’t have that long to chat since I was quickly called back to start testing.
If you recall I was more nervous about the pre op stuff than the actual surgery.  Was my liver too fat, is my heart strong enough…. Lots of things could go wrong and prevent me from getting the band.  I should not have worried.  Dr. Miranda, my nutritionist, besides being beautiful is also a caring and helpful person.  She was so excited about my 30+ lbs loss and said that my liver was going to be fine.  She also took the time to give me my goal weight (160lbs) and to go over my new eating style.  I was very sad to hear that I have to wait at least 6 months before I can have soda…..  I am going to miss my caffeine free diet coke!  They continued to stress that the band is not a magic cure to fat but it is a tool that as long as it is used properly will help me meet my goal.  Next was the blood work, Cardio test and breathing test and then I was cleared to be banded and sent on my way to the hotel.
First things first, the hotel was great.  It was beautiful, clean and well staffed.  We unpacked our stuff and decided to follow drs orders and have a last meal before I became a banded lady.  We went to the Fonde Argentine, (sp) which is an argentine steak house and it was so good.  I would fly back just to eat at this place it was that good.  The steaks were huge and seasoned perfectly and the atmosphere was great.  The only downside to my last meal was that I did not factor in that I have barely eaten for 2 months and so I had one roll, ¼ of my steak, some molletts (delish sweetbread meat) and about 6 french fries.  We took the rest back to the hotel and settled in for the night.  Since we were in Tijuana and things are pretty dicey there at the moment we did not want to be out after dark and that was fine because at  4 pm their time it was 6 pm our time and we had been up a long time.  I am sad to say that we were asleep before the sun had even set.  Before crashing we did order room service for some cake and had fun watching the Spanish tv, oh and the bed was great!

Wednesday, October 20, 2010

All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go....

So, I am all packed and ready for tomorrow.  I finally made my weight requirement, everything is paid for, passports in hand and nerves all fried.  I am very nervous but excited at the same time.  Kind of like that feeling before your due date with a baby or before your wedding.  I know this is going to be a big change for me but the unknown is what is killing me.  We take off tomorrow morning and should be in Mexico by noon.  Hopefully all of my pre op stuff will go by fast and smooth and then Mr. Fat Girl and I will be able to enjoy a nice evening in mexico.  I will also be allowed to eat my first real meal in 2 months.  I will not go overboard but I am going to get a dessert.  I will post after the surgery how it went and all the details.

Monday, October 18, 2010

30 pounds!

I made it!  I lost 30 pounds and before the surgery!  I did not think I would make it but somehow I lost 6 pounds in the past 6 days and could not be happier.  I feel like I should do an Oscar Award speech or something I am so proud of myself.  It was not easy and I know that I will have to continue to make choices and work hard but I am so excited for this week.  My surgery is on friday and I fly out to mexico on thursday morning.  We are also using this as a holiday away from the kids and it will be nice to be on a trip with just the two of us.  Even if I am going to be drinking clear liquids for most of it!  I have told the bank, phone company and everyone else that needs to know when and where we will be and have got the kids teachers informed and my parents will be watching them for us.  Our passports are packed, my paperwork complete and everything is paid for now what is going to keep me busy over the next 3 days.  My husband told me that when I start freaking out to hop on the elliptical machine for abuot 5 minutes and it will take my mind off of it.  It does help and the bonus is the extra workout!  I am starting to get really excited and a bit nervous too.  My sister in law let me feel her port and answered so many questions this weekend (as well as bringing clothes that are now too big for her) and it is amazing how much it calmed my nerves.  I felt so much less stress after visiting with her and know that I will be ok.  This is a great thing that is happening and I hope that I can make the most of it.

Tuesday, October 12, 2010

The State Fair

So, we had a state fair this weekend and I just have to say that I love fair foods.  My favorite is the foot long corn dog or perhaps the fried funnel cake.  I love these foods but I also love myself and made the choice before we even made it to the fair that I would not partake of any off diet foods.  This was a great thing.  I knew in advance what I would (turkey leg) and would not (everything else) eat while at the fair and even snuck in some of my own snacks.  The turkey leg stretched over the whole day and was shared by all and was enough of a "Fair" food that I did not feel like I was missing out.  I was also able to keep up my water intake, which was good because it was over 90 degrees outside and sunny.  Overall, I have to say that I am proud of this fat girl and I had a great time without the fried foods.

I was also proud of something else, I was able to walk around the fair and not get really tired.  Now, it was really hot and so I took a few sit in the shade breaks with the kids but I held up okay for the 9 hours we were there.  I also learned that a low calorie diet and the hot sun do not mix well and got a bit dizzy at one point.  That is when my hubby decided it was time to eat lunch and sit under a tent for a bit.  He is always watching out for me and is a wonderful man!  The whole time the kids were riding rides with my husband I kept remembering that this is my last year to not ride, that I will be able to get on with everyone else next year.  It was a great feeling.  It makes me so happy that I am being able to start changing my life and I hope that I don't fail. 

Speaking of my life plan, I am 10 days away from my surgery and feel like a little kids waiting for summer vacation.  I am so excited but I am also nervous, stressed and a bit scared.  I am stressed because I keep yoyoing between 3 pounds even though I have yet to cheat and nervous and scared because this is a big thing.  I am taking a big chance that this lap-band will assist me where everything else has failed.  On a side note I have not been sleeping so great because of this and find myself thinking about the surgery and trip at the wee morning hours.  I hope the next week flies by and takes about 7 more pounds with it. 

Thursday, October 7, 2010

What I am looking forward to....

So I noticed a thread on where we were asked what we were most excited about and looking forward to as we lose weight.  Here is my list.

Riding Rides at a theme park or fair-  This one is pretty important, I have 3 kids and I hate that I can't ride rides with them.  My oldest is 9 and he is starting to discover the older rides but doesn't want to ride by himself.  I am currently trying to find one of his friends or cousins that will come with us so that he has a partner. 

Not worrying about breaking, fitting in or looking funny in a seat, booth or theater seat.
Only a fellow fat person would know the woes of this story.  I hate walking into a room and the only chairs they have are these weak looking things that I know will scream for help when I sit on it.  I hate it.  I hate booths and I hate that I have to slide in under the armrests at theaters.  I can't wait until I can fit in chairs.  Oh, BTW, I am currently 20 pounds over the weight limit of my office chair.  I am so scared that I am going to break it and have to explain to everyone that the fat girl broke her chair.  Mortifying!!!!!

Feeling as sexy has my husband thinks I am- He is such a great man but I hate meeting his work friends or people from his past because I know when they see me they don't know why he married me.  I always feel bad for him because he has to escort this fattie around and show her off. Of course, he doesn't see it that way and continues to comment and praise me for being sexy and beautiful but it doesn't change what I see in the mirror.  I can't wait until I really do look as great as he says I do.

Wanting to shop for clothes and shoes- We all know this one.  I hate shopping for clothes and shoes because nothing ever fits and it just makes me feel worse.  I can remember a time when I LOVED to shop but that has been a long time ago.  I hope that it is still as fun as it was in the 90's.

Moving- Right now when I move around it hurts.  My knees, my back, my feet, my name it and it hurts.  I am so excited that I am on a path now that will help me feel energy and take away some of that pain. 

Crossing my legs or sitting comfortably- I tell people I move around a lot because I am fidgety but really it is because my lower fat roll is so large that it puts my legs to sleep if I am in one position for too long.  If that doesn't happen then my back will start to hurt or my butt will fall asleep.  Much less embarrassing to just say that I can't sit still.

Being able to eat in public or be in public-  wow, I have convinced myself that everyone talks about me when they see me.  I know, it makes me sound vain but still I guess I am just that self centered that I feel like perfect strangers are so shocked by a 300 pound woman that they have to talk about it.  Oh, and I hate eating in public.  I can just hear the thoughts that (I imagine) they are thinking, "she could miss a few meals", "Is she going to order everything on the menu"  and I don't even want to guess at what they say at the Chinese buffet when I walk up to the food.  Sigh.

TMI-  There are a lot of other things that are kind of TMI.  Things about sex, BM's, showering, wiping, periods and my body in general that I might get into later but will hold off for now. 

I get so excited when I think about my future now.  So excited that I now have the opportunity to take back my life and be happy, healthy and whole again.  I want this so bad for myself, my husband and for my kids.  I know that it is going to take time and that it will not be easy but any small step is at least a step as long as it is in the right direction. 

Update on weight loss-  Soooo, I have lost the 3 pounds I gained over the weekend and now need to lose 2 pounds by tomorrow to still be on schedule.  At least I can say that I have not cheated and that I work out and have done everything I can to meet my goal even if I don't make it. 

Tuesday, October 5, 2010

Things that I am learning

So I was thinking while on the elliptical last night about all the things that I have learned in the past 4 weeks.  I know this list is going to get longer as I continue on this journey but Here is what I have right now.  It was going to be a list of 10 but it turned out to be 11. 

1.  It can scare people when you stare at all the bodies around you trying to pick out the new one you are going to have.  ( I am pretty sure the world now thinks I am bisexual at this point, cause I catch myself really looking hard to determine if I will look like that.)

2.  You can drink so much water that your urine is clear and races out of you like a waterfall every hour on the hour all day long. 

3.  If you miss a work out your body gets restless and you feel guilty for the whole day. 

4.  If you compromise even just a little on your plan you will find yourself with a bag full of fun size snickers in your mouth and another bag in your hand (hasn't happened yet but I know it will if I give it a chance)

5.  Fast food places do not cater to fat girls trying to loose weight.  Stick with sit down places they always have something.

6.  It will be an emotional roller coaster.  I don't know if it is the food withdraws, the stress, the workouts..... I just don't know what is causing this but I am up and down like a bipolar person.  Hopefully I will even out just a bit and be normal for the sake of my poor family.

7.  If you are as fat as I am losing 20 pounds won't drop you a pant size, help with moving or be noticeable to others.  It will however be noticeable to those who love you and make you feel like you have won a million dollars.

8.  You will come to terms with how you deal with food.  For me, it is like a drug (in my head I hear edward cullins) I crave it, I need it and I miss it.  I probably always will and know that this is a life long thing.  *sigh*

9.  Diet + Exercise not one without the other.  I would love to not workout but I have found that losing weight just doesn't work that way.  poor little fat girl.

10. Be honest with yourself.  I started keeping a food log, activity log and this blog to keep myself honest.  I knew if I did this blog under my own name that I would not be honest and I know that if I wasn't honest on my food log then I would just eat whatever and then look at the log and not know what happened.  I learned to just be honest about why I am fat and deal with it.

11.  You need a support group.  I was so afraid to tell my family but it has been so great for me.  My oldest son cheers me on and keeps me motivated when I am working out, my sister in law lets me pester her with everything, my other family and few friends keep me positive and most of all my husband does it all.  I would not be able to do this alone and it would never happen without him. 

Monday, October 4, 2010

Getting nervous

Well, I found a new resource that I can use to talk with other lapband people.  The forum is called  and it is really great because it is tons of people that have been or going to be banded all over the place.  I still like the OCC forum but it doesn't get updated very much and so it doesn't have as much to read and participate in.  This one even has a board for people that have a BMI over 50 and that is me.  I am at 53 right now down from 56 but still above the 50 I need to be at in three weeks.  And that brings us to why I am getting nervous.  So, I have been reading a lot from people that are over 50 on the BMI and I noticed a theme where they would get to the surgery and find out that the liver was too fatty to put the band on. That would break me down so much if that happens to me and I can't help but worry that it will.  I am still 15 pounds above what I need to be for my surgery and I have less than 3 weeks.  What makes it worse is that I keep going through periods of gaining.  For example, I gained 3 pounds in 2 days.  I did not change my eating or anything.  I just gained for some weird universe type of joke on me.  I guess it is my fault, I must have overdone it on the celery and snap peas, or maybe it could have been the sugar free jello, or perhaps it was the adkins shakes.  I know it must have been the work outs, I hear they are pretty fattening.  It just makes me so angry that I gain weight on nothing!  I don't even cheat and I put on weight.  It is just stressing me out.  I have to lose this weight but nothing I am doing seems to be fixing it.  What else can I cut?  Maybe if I breath less it will help.  Air seems to be high on carbs and goes straight to my fat rolls so I guess I will now cut out air.  I really don't want to get all the way out there and be told that I am too fat to lose weight and not get banded but if I don't find a way to get this off that is what will happen.  This pity party has 8 more hours and then it will be back home and on the elliptical for the second time today. Fat girl out.

Friday, October 1, 2010

Reset my goals

Since my "cycle" set me back on my mini goals I had to reset them so that they were not impossible to reach.  It was comforting that my nutritionist told me it is normal for people to stop losing weight around their period and it was frustrating that the diet made my period a week late and stretched out.  OH well!!!!  I am still trying for 5 pounds a week but I know that I am more than likely not going to make the 40 pounds goal that was given to me.  I will probably get to 30-35 if I keep making my mini goals.  Thanks to the stomach flu I was able to make the goal this week.  I lost a little over 5 pounds and the bonus was that I was able to put on my wedding ring.  I had to take it off about 3 months ago because it was too tight and so it felt great to put it back on.  I have also lost 3 inches on my hips and 2 on my waist.  Slow but steady!  I have still not cheated on my plan and have adjusted to the loss of some pretty great food but there are still days when I just feel hungry all day!  I am sure those will get better with time too.

After taking a little over a week off from exercise for my period and my stomach bug I was nervous about getting started back up.  I was afraid I would be right back at square one.  I was a little sore but did not have to lower my intensity level or my time so it was great.  I have also learned to use it as my quiet mind time.  I don't think about anything but breathing and what I am doing.  Just me and my fat moving and hopefully working hard.  I remember a few years ago when brother in law taught me how to lift weights.  I loved it.  In fact I miss it.  I felt so powerful and it is odd but I even felt pretty doing it.  Like I was a superhero.  I know, crazy right?  Sadly I do not have weights in my home and don't even have the space for them but maybe eventually I will have a bit more time (darn football season) to work out and be able to go to the community center. 

Here is a sample of my daily intake and activity log:

Water: 96 oz
Breakfast: Atkins shake
Lunch: Salad
Snack: hand full of nuts
Dinner: Chicken, green beans
Meds: metformin,
            400 mcg CP
Activity: 30 Minutes swimming
                15 minutes elliptical
Notes: Had a great day and it felt great to be in the pool again.  I have lost 21 pounds in 4 weeks!

Monday, September 20, 2010

Office birthday gatherings

I guess I am just doomed to be surounded by cake this month.  In the 3 weeks that I have been on my pre op diet we have had at least 1 office birthday a week and one of those weeks there were 2!!!!!  In my office what they do for a birthday is bring in lots of cake, chips, dips, rolls, cookies, you name it and everyone eats.  The first one I could not even go to that side of the office.  I would take the long way around to get to the copier and bathrooms.  It has gotten easier with each birthday but I still feel this ping of crabbiness everytime I see someone walk by with a plate full of yummy goodness.  So what do I do instead?  I read the OCC message boards, I look up testimonials, I look at the countdown to my band or I update this blog.  It helps a bit and even gives me that atta girl feeling that I have beaten some dark moster deep in my brain.  I know I don't need the cake physically but I am still battling that fat girl in my mind.  She sure does miss food! 

Speaking of the blog.  It really has been a great thing for me.  I know it is not viewed but it still makes me feel accountable for what I eat or the activity I do.  It also helps me vent without boring loved ones with constant complaints of food.  Found a great low carb thing this weekend.  The family had grilled cheeses so I made one too.  I used sliced turkey as the bread and a little bit of cheese in the middle and grilled it like a grilled cheese sandwich.  It was great and hit the spot......  My son wanted one too!  I am starting to pick up on tricks of the trade and proving that a fat girl can learn new tricks!

Friday, September 17, 2010

did not make my goal

I failed to make my 5 pound goal this week.  It has been pretty upsetting to me and has caused me to not be sleeping well or playing well with others.  I emailed my nutritionist and sent her my logs to ask what I was doing wrong and she told me that I was not doing anything wrong and asked if I was getting close to my period because that would cause me to retain water.  This peaked my interest and I pulled out my handy dandy calendar and it turns out I am less than a week out from that special time.  This has helped me a bit but I have to say I am still a little upset with myself and think maybe there is something I could have done. 

On the upside of things, I have the best husband in the world!  He found the Adkins snack section and picked up some very low carb items to help me make it through my period.  He also found some low carb tortillas and made some quesodillas for us.  Mine was small but it tasted so good and it felt good to be eating with the family instead of drinking my dinner or eating something way different. 

The elliptical is getting better.  I am able to make it longer before I start trying to convince myself that I don't need to go any further and then have to listen as the angel and the demon on my shoulders battle it out.  I really wish they would find another perch because I do not need the extra weight while I am working out.  Oh well, I am just glad that the angel keeps winning. 

Wednesday, September 15, 2010

What did I do wrong?

Things have been going great for the past two weeks.  I met my goal both weeks, I didn't cheat, I kept working out and I stayed motivated.  So what happened?  Why have I not only not lost but actually gained weight this week?  It doesn't make any sense, I have stayed true to the plan and even added a new activity in.  I am drinking two shakes and eating one low carb meal a day with celery and water as my snacks.  What gives?!?!  I only have 5 weeks left to lose 25 pounds and this morning I am just not feeling like I can do it.  I still did my elliptical and I still packed my shakes and veggies but the inspired, I can do this attitude has faded a bit.  I am going to email my nutritionist and ask her what she thinks I should do.  I can tell this is going to be a crappy mood day.

Tuesday, September 14, 2010

Food Addiction

I now understand the phrase mentally hungry.  When people would talk about it and food addiction I would kind of laugh and convince myself that I did not have that problem.  I was wrong.  My name is Tagyourit and I am a food addict. 

I don't know why but food means more to me than just nutrition.  It is memories, fun, sad, happy, life and that is what makes the addiction so much harder to recognize.  I noticed it a couple of years ago.  I would be full, almost to the point of sickness, but because I knew how wonderful something tasted I would keep eating.  This is not right!  If someone was spinning in a circle because it was fun they would stop if they got sick, or I would anyways, so why did I not stop eating.  I would even focus on the cake that was on the TV show and wish that I was part of the show so that I could eat the cake. I know crazy, right?  Like any good southern girl I believe that you cannot entertain without a huge amount of food and that is the mentality of all of my family too.  Anytime we get together there is food.  Yummy, wonderful, great food.  No one in our family is a bad cook we all take it very seriously and enjoy cooking and sharing our creations.  This doesn't help either.  I have noticed over the past couple of weeks that even when I am not really hungry I am still wanting to eat something.  To snack all night.  This has been one of the hard parts of the journey.  I am having to learn how to do things without food.  It reminds me of those quit smoking ads where they tell you that a smoker has to relearn how to do things without smoking.  Food is the same way for me. I have to relearn how to watch a movie, sit and talk with family, play a board game, go to activities and even how to eat. I never realized just how much food was a part of me and how much I depended on it.  Crap, I am most worried about learning how to be PMS without brownies!  My poor family is going to kick me out of the house when that comes around.  I am taking the steps to learn how to function without a feed bag attached to me for the rest of my life but I am not very happy doing it.  I miss food.  I miss the taste, texture and social aspect of it.  It doesn't help that I am also drinking most of my daily intake and so things are a bit exaggerated now but I know that if I am to lose weight it will have to be a forever thing.  Not just some crash fad diet and then gain it all back in a month.  So I will start at square one and say, I am addicted to food, and I will overcome it.

Monday, September 13, 2010

Chili's and the weekend

Well, I miss fried food.  There I said it, I miss the wonderful crispy fried goodness of fried food.  A lot.  But not as much as I miss cake.  mmmmmmmmmm, Cake!  I know I sound like the poor little fat girl but I can't help it.  I was surrounded this weekend but both of those things.  Not fun. 

We decided to go out to eat after my sons football game to celebrate a great win and so we went to chili's.  I was able to find pleny of things that were low carb and and was pretty proud of myself.  And then the food came.  Now, my family offered to order similar items to mine but I told them I would be fine and to order whatever they wanted.  This included boneless chicken wings, ribs, fries, burger, chicken strips and roasted corn on the cob.  I was fine until I started looking at their food and remembering how good it was.  I think I was even close to biting someone at one point.  Luckily, for them, they ate fast and we were able to have a great time.  Still, I miss fried foods.

I did not quite realize how much I missed cake until we were at my nieces birthday party on sunday.  She had cake and ice cream which people kept asking me if I wanted.  Inside my mind was screaming "CRAP YES!!!!"  but on the outside I thanked them and said no.  The hard part was when my two year old was having problems getting the cake from the plate to his mouth with the fork and so I had to feed it to him.  That was a little hard cause it was a great smelling strawberry cake but he finished and I was able to go home knowing that I would not feel bad about anything that I put in my food log for this weekend.

Yes, I miss these foods but not more than I want to be healthy and happy.  I will probably always crave them and might even cheat sometimes but I was able to prove to myself this past weekend that I am so over being fat.  I am ready to move on and let others enjoy the foods that for short moments (until I say my hips) made me think I was happy.  I have also started to realize just how much of the food issues are completly mental.  It is insane and long enough for its own post tomorrow.

Wednesday, September 8, 2010

Hermine Go Away!

So, normally I walk during my lunch but all of this rain is throwing me off. I did walk yesterday but almost died.  It was only drizzling so I figured I wouldn't melt.  I was wrong.  The humidity was so high that I felt like I was breathing in weights!  It was so heavy that I just had to stop every once in awhile to take some deep breaths and get air in me.  It was not fun!  I will try and walk in the building today instead of outside (a lot of rain today) but I know that I am going to get bored with walking the same hallway over and over again.  So not looking forward to it.  On the plus side I switched to 3 shakes a day with green veggies and it helped me get over that 4 day lull in weight loss.  I lost a pound yesterday and bringing me down to 338.  So ten pounds gon and 30 more to go in the next 7 weeks.  I hope I can do this! 

Tuesday, September 7, 2010

First weekend

Well, I guess I survived the first weekend of the new plan.  That is always the hardest for me because that is when I am home more and around tempting foods too.  This weekend was no different.  Since it was labor day weekend we had a family cookout and we also had a football game too.  I didn't cheat but I sure was crabby about it.  I snapped at my husband and I think I might have even licked a store if it meant I could taste the ice cream on the inside.  I did discover that if I blend my atkins shake with ice it is pretty close to ice cream and that saved the weekend. 

I also told more of our family about my plans to have the lab band done.  My sister in law was so excited for me and it touched my heart that she is being so supportive of this.  I was worried that  people would judge or make comments but it seems that I was wrong.  Everyone that I have told has been helpful and supportive.  I guess I have a larger support group than I realized. 

Friday, September 3, 2010

Metformin and elliptical update

So I found an elliptical machine!  A friend of ours was selling one for a great price and it works just great for me.  I can only make it about 15 minutes at a time but hey, it is better than sitting on the couch doing nothing.  I have already used it twice and figure that I am going to use it regularly in the morning after the kids are ready for school and eating breakfast and then again after work while my husband is cooking dinner.  Hopefully, I will eventually be able to last longer before my body feels like an alien is trying to burst out of it.  Wish me luck!

Now for my main topic of today's post, Metformin.  As I mentioned before I have PCOS and am on the medicine called Metformin.  The only problem with it is that until you get used to the dose you are on (a couple of weeks) you are sick to your stomach and have the poos.  Yup, I was in a meeting this morning and had to run out without notice before I crapped all over myself.  It was not very funny (my husband thought it was) but I might count it as a work out!  I mean that was some fast moving so it has to count as something.  The sad part is that I am not even on my full dose yet.  I am only on 1 of 3 pills a day.  The good news about this is that I seem to be pooping out the weight I need to lose.  I am down to 340.7 today and that means I am that much closer to the pre surgery weight I need to be at in October.  Still a bit overwhleming but I am going to make it..........I hope. 

Thursday, September 2, 2010

Fat Girl

I am a fat girl.  That's right, I am morbidly obese.  I have been overweight for most of my life.  A lot of this comes from having PCOS and also from giving up hope.  I was okay with putting my head in the sand and pretending that I was happy and confident with my size.  I wasn't.  I took metformin and the BC Yaz and worked out and ate right for almost 3 years and lost 50 pounds, great right?  I got off of the meds for money reasons and in 4 months had it all right back on.  At that point I decided that it was war.  It was time for me to fight harder and get help.  I decided to get a lap band.  I called them about two weeks ago to start getting information and started to discover a new hope building in me.  A hope that one day I might not have to be embarassed while eating in public (even if it is a salad) or worried that my kids would be made fun of at school for having a fat mom and most of all I would feel confident and proud of myself when my husband announces to people that he has the sexiest wife instead of the feeling I get now when he says that.  (he must be blind with love!)  In short it was time to just do it.

My husband and I had a long dicussion and looked over all the budgets and decided that we could make it work and pay for the surgery.  I decided that since my insurance considured it a cosmetic surgery (gripe about that on another post) and would not cover it that I would use the same clinic that a couple of my friends have used.  I am going through Dr Ortiz's clinic I have researched them and know people that have used them and feel that it is safe and most of all affordable.  The website is great and they even have a forum that is helpful, motivating and fun to read.  They even assign you a consultant that has already been through the process and helps guide you on the journey.  And a journey it will be.

After calling and getting the info I set a date.  I am tired of waiting to lose weight so I decided to set the date for end of October.  This gave me 7 weeks to get ready.  I filled out the survey and paperwork and then had my phone conference with the nutritionist.  She was very nice but she gave me a bit of news that did not encourage me.  I was 348 lbs when I made my decision and my BMI is 56 which apparently is too high for surgery.  She told me that I needed to lose at least 30 pounds and get the BMI below 50 before my surgery.  I explained that it took me 3 years to lose that amount and how could I do it in 2 months.  She did not budge and I decided I need to give it my best.  I am going to email her my weight, food and activity log every week and hope that she at least sees that I am working hard and take that into considuration if I don't make my goal. 

In order to try and make the goal I am doing a low carb diet with excersize.  I am drinking a 2 carb protien shake for breakfast and lunch and eating green veggies and a lean protien for dinner everyday.  Dr. Miranda told me to take Chromium Piculate and fiber pills to help too.  I have been and don't know yet if they are making a difference.  I will let you know.  For my activity I am starting out with walking 30 minutes a day and hope to keep adding.  Searching for an elliptical too but they are hard to find in my weight and price range.  Craigslist here I come. 

Well, i have rambled on a long time and I know that this site will never be viewed but I think it will help me on this journey and hopefully help others that might be fighting the same war that I am.