Tuesday, July 19, 2011

You know they mean well but.........

I have lost almost 70 lbs and apparently this is becoming a bit obvious to those that see me everyday.  It took a while for any one at work to comment either that or they were afraid to offend me by saying anything but once I hit about 50 lbs all such notions were chucked to the wind and people let loose their tongues.  Some of the things people have said have been motivational and touching and some of them have been......well, if I was not such a laid back woman I would have thought about slapping the crap out of them.  It amazes me how if you are fat or pregnant the world feels the need to comment.  It is almost as if your body is an open range and are just expected to listen to every little thing that is said to you.  At least no one as reached out and rubbed my belly like they did when I had my son.  Anyways, here are some of the comments I wish I could remember all of them and I am going to start righting down the really good and the truly bad ones to share with you guys. What are somethings that have been said to you?

The Good:
1.  You look great/ Your glowing/ I can tell you are working out- I get a lot of these general comments that are people that are letting me know they can tell that I have lost weight and that it shows.  I love these comments because you can always see the shock on their face or that they are really excited for you.  These motivate me because I love to get that external praise and recognition that I am indeed getting smaller.  They also are positive and don't make me wonder if I was ugly 70 lbs ago.

2.  You are such a motivation!-  This is another good one because it lets me know that I am not only changing my life but helping motivate others into changing theirs too.  If it is a fellow overweight person that I know would respect my choice I share my experience about my band and how it has saved my life.

3.  How are you losing so much weight- This could be a good or bad comment depending on the person that said it.  Sometimes I use it as a teaching opportunity about the band but if I don't think they are receptive or would respect my choice I use it as a teaching tool about eating right and exercising.  Some people look at me like I am throwing up in the bathroom (just a few times and not on purpose) or taking pills to crap off the weight. 

The Bad: Usually said by older women or people that you can tell are not happy for your weight loss. 

1.  Your husband must be so excited!!!!!!-  Yeah, what am I supposed to say to this?  "He sure is because I was such an ugly cow before and that is all our love is built on."  What the crap!   This makes no sense to me.   Why would you even say that to someone? You don't know my husband or the fact that he has never failed to show how much he loves me and thinks that I am beautiful and sexy.  This one really did amaze me.

2.  I bet guys are going to start hitting on you or your are blossoming into a beautiful woman-  Wow,  I am worried about this one.  I have worked so hard most of my life to build a fortress of fat around me so that I am so ugly that I would never have to worry about catching a man's eye.  (please read with the sarcasm that is dripping from these words)  Honestly, is there anything nice about telling a woman that she is too fat and ugly to be attractive to the opposite sex.  I am still a bit speechless.

3.  I can barely see you anymore/ Your melting away or The wind is just going to blow you away-  I get several of these and I know they are meant with great intentions but dang!  I am still 130 lbs overweight at no point and I in fear of my life because of the wind nor do I think that my body is just going to melt away or that I am so thin that no one can see me.  It isn't a hurtful comment but it is condescending and just plain makes me want to sit on you.

Monday, July 18, 2011

- week


Just like I said last week.  As soon as I get over the ovulation part of my cycle the 2 extra pounds would go away.  Now to just get the downward trend to keep going.  I have been stuck at this same number for over a month and would love for it to move into the 70's. 

Week in evaluation:
Water: getting better.  I am still needing to pick it up some since I seem to only drink at work.  I need to bridge the habit over to my home life too.

Food:  Snacky.  I will say that though I am snacky I don't just eat to eat.  I grab a little of what I am craving and then put it away.  I am getting better at recognizing when I am sated.

Exercises:  When I last tried the couch to 5K in the spring I messed up my knee because I am still a bit too heavy for the high impact of it.  I had to lay off for a few months but I am ready to get back to it.  I am going to play it smart though.  I am going to do the program on my elliptical machine and do each week two or more times until I feel that my body (knees) are ready to move on to the next level.  After I can complete it on the elliptical I will move it outside.  Hopefully by then I will be lighter and it will not be 115 degrees outside.  Wish me luck.

Mental:  I am still doing well.  I am still happy I had this surgery and I am blessed that I have a huge support group to keep me motivated. 

This week was a good one for me.  I feel like I did what I needed too and I am in control.  Let's just hope it stays great.

Thursday, July 14, 2011

Mental Image

I mentioned in my week evaluation that my husband gave me a come to band lecture during our camping trip.  He called me out on a few things that he said I needed to fix.  It all went to the same root....... my mental image of myself.  He is completely correct that I still think of myself as a 350 pound woman and still present, live and behave as such.  I am still worried about if I am going to break something just by leaning on it and afraid to be the old me.  Afraid to try new things and be the life of the party in hopes that no one sees just how fat I am.  I have been chastised and to prove I can change I jumped off the top sun deck of the party barge we were on when I got the lecture. 

Let's start from why he gave me the talk.  We rented a barge for the day during our camping trip so that we could have fun and go around the lake.  As we were heading out the marina people told my husband that we can jump off of the deck that is the roof of the barge.  Well, he had no problems trying that out as soon as we got to a good spot.  He knows that I used to jump off cliffs and love to swim and used to be a bit of an adrenaline junkie until I gained all of my weight so he told me to try it.  I quickly reminded him that I was too heavy and would some how tip the huge boat over if I did it.  He jumped a few more times and then he swam over to me and gave me the talk.  He reminded me that I weigh less than ten pounds more than he does right now and that I needed to update my mental image of myself.  He is tired of seeing me revert back to 70 pounds ago and progress mentally the same way that I am physically.  I could see in his face that it hurts him to see how I see myself and it woke me up. 

I am still fat but I am not as fat as I was and there is no reason that I should always see myself physically as a fat girl.  I know that I will always have issues with food and some mental things but when I hit a new milestone I need to update my mental image and celebrate the new things that I can once again enjoy.  I am no longer going to hide behind my fat in hopes that no one looks my way in disgust but I am going to let my true self start chipping its way out one pound at a time.  I am fat now but I will not always be this big I will keep losing weight no matter how many set backs I have and I need to accept the changes and move on with my life.  Why have I created a security blanket with my weight?  No, that's the wrong phrase.......Why have I created a mental prison from my weight?  That is better, I have built a prison in my mind of what I can and cannot do or be as a fat girl.  Well, my husband slipped me a metal file in my adkins shake and I am working on freeing myself.  I hope that all of you will join me on this great escape! 

Friday, July 8, 2011

+ week


I am so ashamed of myself.  Not about the weight but because I have been way too busy with my life to be a regular poster and reader of other Banded blogs.  I promise I am not really this big of a loser but I am just barely making it right now with the summer schedule.  Things should be easier soon and I will be back in action in more ways than just blogging. 

So, yeah I am up 1.5 pounds but as I have mentioned before this is just the game that my body and I play every month.  I wiggle and wobble around a number by 2 lbs either way and then after about 6 to 8 weeks I will drop 3-5 pounds.   It is aggravating but my numbers are at least moving in the right direction after little expected detours.  I also seem to gain around my ovulation time, which is funny since I do not actually ovulate.  Another one of nature's funny jokes on me.  Now for my week in evaluation.

Water:  not at the 62oz mark but still doing ok

Exercises:  some but not enough.  I did do a bunch of swimming on my camping trip and out swam my 10 year old son.

Mental:  I am going to save this one for its own post.  But just to tease you a bit, my husband had to have a little come to bandster meeting with me.

NSV:  I put on a swim suit and went to a lake.  That in itself is a bit huge but then I ran into someone I had not seen in 4 years and before I could freak out at being seen in the suit she commented on how I looked like I had lost a lot of weight and that she did not recognize at first.  That stopped the instant mental freak out and made me feel a lot better.  Oh, and I had to get new under garments again.  yeah they fell off in an embarrassing way while I was wearing a skirt....in front of other peeps......just saying.