Office birthday gatherings

I guess I am just doomed to be surounded by cake this month.  In the 3 weeks that I have been on my pre op diet we have had at least 1 office birthday a week and one of those weeks there were 2!!!!!  In my office what they do for a birthday is bring in lots of cake, chips, dips, rolls, cookies, you name it and everyone eats.  The first one I could not even go to that side of the office.  I would take the long way around to get to the copier and bathrooms.  It has gotten easier with each birthday but I still feel this ping of crabbiness everytime I see someone walk by with a plate full of yummy goodness.  So what do I do instead?  I read the OCC message boards, I look up testimonials, I look at the countdown to my band or I update this blog.  It helps a bit and even gives me that atta girl feeling that I have beaten some dark moster deep in my brain.  I know I don't need the cake physically but I am still battling that fat girl in my mind.  She sure does miss food! 

Speaking of the blog.  It really has been a great thing for me.  I know it is not viewed but it still makes me feel accountable for what I eat or the activity I do.  It also helps me vent without boring loved ones with constant complaints of food.  Found a great low carb thing this weekend.  The family had grilled cheeses so I made one too.  I used sliced turkey as the bread and a little bit of cheese in the middle and grilled it like a grilled cheese sandwich.  It was great and hit the spot......  My son wanted one too!  I am starting to pick up on tricks of the trade and proving that a fat girl can learn new tricks!

did not make my goal

I failed to make my 5 pound goal this week.  It has been pretty upsetting to me and has caused me to not be sleeping well or playing well with others.  I emailed my nutritionist and sent her my logs to ask what I was doing wrong and she told me that I was not doing anything wrong and asked if I was getting close to my period because that would cause me to retain water.  This peaked my interest and I pulled out my handy dandy calendar and it turns out I am less than a week out from that special time.  This has helped me a bit but I have to say I am still a little upset with myself and think maybe there is something I could have done. 

On the upside of things, I have the best husband in the world!  He found the Adkins snack section and picked up some very low carb items to help me make it through my period.  He also found some low carb tortillas and made some quesodillas for us.  Mine was small but it tasted so good and it felt good to be eating with the family instead of drinking my dinner or eating something way different. 

The elliptical is getting better.  I am able to make it longer before I start trying to convince myself that I don't need to go any further and then have to listen as the angel and the demon on my shoulders battle it out.  I really wish they would find another perch because I do not need the extra weight while I am working out.  Oh well, I am just glad that the angel keeps winning. 

What did I do wrong?

Things have been going great for the past two weeks.  I met my goal both weeks, I didn't cheat, I kept working out and I stayed motivated.  So what happened?  Why have I not only not lost but actually gained weight this week?  It doesn't make any sense, I have stayed true to the plan and even added a new activity in.  I am drinking two shakes and eating one low carb meal a day with celery and water as my snacks.  What gives?!?!  I only have 5 weeks left to lose 25 pounds and this morning I am just not feeling like I can do it.  I still did my elliptical and I still packed my shakes and veggies but the inspired, I can do this attitude has faded a bit.  I am going to email my nutritionist and ask her what she thinks I should do.  I can tell this is going to be a crappy mood day.

Food Addiction

I now understand the phrase mentally hungry.  When people would talk about it and food addiction I would kind of laugh and convince myself that I did not have that problem.  I was wrong.  My name is Tagyourit and I am a food addict. 

I don't know why but food means more to me than just nutrition.  It is memories, fun, sad, happy, life and that is what makes the addiction so much harder to recognize.  I noticed it a couple of years ago.  I would be full, almost to the point of sickness, but because I knew how wonderful something tasted I would keep eating.  This is not right!  If someone was spinning in a circle because it was fun they would stop if they got sick, or I would anyways, so why did I not stop eating.  I would even focus on the cake that was on the TV show and wish that I was part of the show so that I could eat the cake. I know crazy, right?  Like any good southern girl I believe that you cannot entertain without a huge amount of food and that is the mentality of all of my family too.  Anytime we get together there is food.  Yummy, wonderful, great food.  No one in our family is a bad cook we all take it very seriously and enjoy cooking and sharing our creations.  This doesn't help either.  I have noticed over the past couple of weeks that even when I am not really hungry I am still wanting to eat something.  To snack all night.  This has been one of the hard parts of the journey.  I am having to learn how to do things without food.  It reminds me of those quit smoking ads where they tell you that a smoker has to relearn how to do things without smoking.  Food is the same way for me. I have to relearn how to watch a movie, sit and talk with family, play a board game, go to activities and even how to eat. I never realized just how much food was a part of me and how much I depended on it.  Crap, I am most worried about learning how to be PMS without brownies!  My poor family is going to kick me out of the house when that comes around.  I am taking the steps to learn how to function without a feed bag attached to me for the rest of my life but I am not very happy doing it.  I miss food.  I miss the taste, texture and social aspect of it.  It doesn't help that I am also drinking most of my daily intake and so things are a bit exaggerated now but I know that if I am to lose weight it will have to be a forever thing.  Not just some crash fad diet and then gain it all back in a month.  So I will start at square one and say, I am addicted to food, and I will overcome it.

Chili's and the weekend

Well, I miss fried food.  There I said it, I miss the wonderful crispy fried goodness of fried food.  A lot.  But not as much as I miss cake.  mmmmmmmmmm, Cake!  I know I sound like the poor little fat girl but I can't help it.  I was surrounded this weekend but both of those things.  Not fun. 

We decided to go out to eat after my sons football game to celebrate a great win and so we went to chili's.  I was able to find pleny of things that were low carb and and was pretty proud of myself.  And then the food came.  Now, my family offered to order similar items to mine but I told them I would be fine and to order whatever they wanted.  This included boneless chicken wings, ribs, fries, burger, chicken strips and roasted corn on the cob.  I was fine until I started looking at their food and remembering how good it was.  I think I was even close to biting someone at one point.  Luckily, for them, they ate fast and we were able to have a great time.  Still, I miss fried foods.

I did not quite realize how much I missed cake until we were at my nieces birthday party on sunday.  She had cake and ice cream which people kept asking me if I wanted.  Inside my mind was screaming "CRAP YES!!!!"  but on the outside I thanked them and said no.  The hard part was when my two year old was having problems getting the cake from the plate to his mouth with the fork and so I had to feed it to him.  That was a little hard cause it was a great smelling strawberry cake but he finished and I was able to go home knowing that I would not feel bad about anything that I put in my food log for this weekend.

Yes, I miss these foods but not more than I want to be healthy and happy.  I will probably always crave them and might even cheat sometimes but I was able to prove to myself this past weekend that I am so over being fat.  I am ready to move on and let others enjoy the foods that for short moments (until I say my hips) made me think I was happy.  I have also started to realize just how much of the food issues are completly mental.  It is insane and long enough for its own post tomorrow.

Hermine Go Away!

So, normally I walk during my lunch but all of this rain is throwing me off. I did walk yesterday but almost died.  It was only drizzling so I figured I wouldn't melt.  I was wrong.  The humidity was so high that I felt like I was breathing in weights!  It was so heavy that I just had to stop every once in awhile to take some deep breaths and get air in me.  It was not fun!  I will try and walk in the building today instead of outside (a lot of rain today) but I know that I am going to get bored with walking the same hallway over and over again.  So not looking forward to it.  On the plus side I switched to 3 shakes a day with green veggies and it helped me get over that 4 day lull in weight loss.  I lost a pound yesterday and bringing me down to 338.  So ten pounds gon and 30 more to go in the next 7 weeks.  I hope I can do this! 

First weekend

Well, I guess I survived the first weekend of the new plan.  That is always the hardest for me because that is when I am home more and around tempting foods too.  This weekend was no different.  Since it was labor day weekend we had a family cookout and we also had a football game too.  I didn't cheat but I sure was crabby about it.  I snapped at my husband and I think I might have even licked a store if it meant I could taste the ice cream on the inside.  I did discover that if I blend my atkins shake with ice it is pretty close to ice cream and that saved the weekend. 

I also told more of our family about my plans to have the lab band done.  My sister in law was so excited for me and it touched my heart that she is being so supportive of this.  I was worried that  people would judge or make comments but it seems that I was wrong.  Everyone that I have told has been helpful and supportive.  I guess I have a larger support group than I realized. 

Metformin and elliptical update

So I found an elliptical machine!  A friend of ours was selling one for a great price and it works just great for me.  I can only make it about 15 minutes at a time but hey, it is better than sitting on the couch doing nothing.  I have already used it twice and figure that I am going to use it regularly in the morning after the kids are ready for school and eating breakfast and then again after work while my husband is cooking dinner.  Hopefully, I will eventually be able to last longer before my body feels like an alien is trying to burst out of it.  Wish me luck!

Now for my main topic of today's post, Metformin.  As I mentioned before I have PCOS and am on the medicine called Metformin.  The only problem with it is that until you get used to the dose you are on (a couple of weeks) you are sick to your stomach and have the poos.  Yup, I was in a meeting this morning and had to run out without notice before I crapped all over myself.  It was not very funny (my husband thought it was) but I might count it as a work out!  I mean that was some fast moving so it has to count as something.  The sad part is that I am not even on my full dose yet.  I am only on 1 of 3 pills a day.  The good news about this is that I seem to be pooping out the weight I need to lose.  I am down to 340.7 today and that means I am that much closer to the pre surgery weight I need to be at in October.  Still a bit overwhleming but I am going to make it..........I hope. 

Fat Girl

I am a fat girl.  That's right, I am morbidly obese.  I have been overweight for most of my life.  A lot of this comes from having PCOS and also from giving up hope.  I was okay with putting my head in the sand and pretending that I was happy and confident with my size.  I wasn't.  I took metformin and the BC Yaz and worked out and ate right for almost 3 years and lost 50 pounds, great right?  I got off of the meds for money reasons and in 4 months had it all right back on.  At that point I decided that it was war.  It was time for me to fight harder and get help.  I decided to get a lap band.  I called them about two weeks ago to start getting information and started to discover a new hope building in me.  A hope that one day I might not have to be embarassed while eating in public (even if it is a salad) or worried that my kids would be made fun of at school for having a fat mom and most of all I would feel confident and proud of myself when my husband announces to people that he has the sexiest wife instead of the feeling I get now when he says that.  (he must be blind with love!)  In short it was time to just do it.

My husband and I had a long dicussion and looked over all the budgets and decided that we could make it work and pay for the surgery.  I decided that since my insurance considured it a cosmetic surgery (gripe about that on another post) and would not cover it that I would use the same clinic that a couple of my friends have used.  I am going through Dr Ortiz's clinic http://obesitycontrolcenter.com/ I have researched them and know people that have used them and feel that it is safe and most of all affordable.  The website is great and they even have a forum that is helpful, motivating and fun to read.  They even assign you a consultant that has already been through the process and helps guide you on the journey.  And a journey it will be.

After calling and getting the info I set a date.  I am tired of waiting to lose weight so I decided to set the date for end of October.  This gave me 7 weeks to get ready.  I filled out the survey and paperwork and then had my phone conference with the nutritionist.  She was very nice but she gave me a bit of news that did not encourage me.  I was 348 lbs when I made my decision and my BMI is 56 which apparently is too high for surgery.  She told me that I needed to lose at least 30 pounds and get the BMI below 50 before my surgery.  I explained that it took me 3 years to lose that amount and how could I do it in 2 months.  She did not budge and I decided I need to give it my best.  I am going to email her my weight, food and activity log every week and hope that she at least sees that I am working hard and take that into considuration if I don't make my goal. 

In order to try and make the goal I am doing a low carb diet with excersize.  I am drinking a 2 carb protien shake for breakfast and lunch and eating green veggies and a lean protien for dinner everyday.  Dr. Miranda told me to take Chromium Piculate and fiber pills to help too.  I have been and don't know yet if they are making a difference.  I will let you know.  For my activity I am starting out with walking 30 minutes a day and hope to keep adding.  Searching for an elliptical too but they are hard to find in my weight and price range.  Craigslist here I come. 

Well, i have rambled on a long time and I know that this site will never be viewed but I think it will help me on this journey and hopefully help others that might be fighting the same war that I am.