All my bags are packed, I'm ready to go....

So, I am all packed and ready for tomorrow.  I finally made my weight requirement, everything is paid for, passports in hand and nerves all fried.  I am very nervous but excited at the same time.  Kind of like that feeling before your due date with a baby or before your wedding.  I know this is going to be a big change for me but the unknown is what is killing me.  We take off tomorrow morning and should be in Mexico by noon.  Hopefully all of my pre op stuff will go by fast and smooth and then Mr. Fat Girl and I will be able to enjoy a nice evening in mexico.  I will also be allowed to eat my first real meal in 2 months.  I will not go overboard but I am going to get a dessert.  I will post after the surgery how it went and all the details.

30 pounds!

I made it!  I lost 30 pounds and before the surgery!  I did not think I would make it but somehow I lost 6 pounds in the past 6 days and could not be happier.  I feel like I should do an Oscar Award speech or something I am so proud of myself.  It was not easy and I know that I will have to continue to make choices and work hard but I am so excited for this week.  My surgery is on friday and I fly out to mexico on thursday morning.  We are also using this as a holiday away from the kids and it will be nice to be on a trip with just the two of us.  Even if I am going to be drinking clear liquids for most of it!  I have told the bank, phone company and everyone else that needs to know when and where we will be and have got the kids teachers informed and my parents will be watching them for us.  Our passports are packed, my paperwork complete and everything is paid for now what is going to keep me busy over the next 3 days.  My husband told me that when I start freaking out to hop on the elliptical machine for abuot 5 minutes and it will take my mind off of it.  It does help and the bonus is the extra workout!  I am starting to get really excited and a bit nervous too.  My sister in law let me feel her port and answered so many questions this weekend (as well as bringing clothes that are now too big for her) and it is amazing how much it calmed my nerves.  I felt so much less stress after visiting with her and know that I will be ok.  This is a great thing that is happening and I hope that I can make the most of it.

The State Fair

So, we had a state fair this weekend and I just have to say that I love fair foods.  My favorite is the foot long corn dog or perhaps the fried funnel cake.  I love these foods but I also love myself and made the choice before we even made it to the fair that I would not partake of any off diet foods.  This was a great thing.  I knew in advance what I would (turkey leg) and would not (everything else) eat while at the fair and even snuck in some of my own snacks.  The turkey leg stretched over the whole day and was shared by all and was enough of a "Fair" food that I did not feel like I was missing out.  I was also able to keep up my water intake, which was good because it was over 90 degrees outside and sunny.  Overall, I have to say that I am proud of this fat girl and I had a great time without the fried foods.

I was also proud of something else, I was able to walk around the fair and not get really tired.  Now, it was really hot and so I took a few sit in the shade breaks with the kids but I held up okay for the 9 hours we were there.  I also learned that a low calorie diet and the hot sun do not mix well and got a bit dizzy at one point.  That is when my hubby decided it was time to eat lunch and sit under a tent for a bit.  He is always watching out for me and is a wonderful man!  The whole time the kids were riding rides with my husband I kept remembering that this is my last year to not ride, that I will be able to get on with everyone else next year.  It was a great feeling.  It makes me so happy that I am being able to start changing my life and I hope that I don't fail. 

Speaking of my life plan, I am 10 days away from my surgery and feel like a little kids waiting for summer vacation.  I am so excited but I am also nervous, stressed and a bit scared.  I am stressed because I keep yoyoing between 3 pounds even though I have yet to cheat and nervous and scared because this is a big thing.  I am taking a big chance that this lap-band will assist me where everything else has failed.  On a side note I have not been sleeping so great because of this and find myself thinking about the surgery and trip at the wee morning hours.  I hope the next week flies by and takes about 7 more pounds with it. 

What I am looking forward to....

So I noticed a thread on lapbandtalk.com where we were asked what we were most excited about and looking forward to as we lose weight.  Here is my list.

Riding Rides at a theme park or fair-  This one is pretty important, I have 3 kids and I hate that I can't ride rides with them.  My oldest is 9 and he is starting to discover the older rides but doesn't want to ride by himself.  I am currently trying to find one of his friends or cousins that will come with us so that he has a partner. 

Not worrying about breaking, fitting in or looking funny in a seat, booth or theater seat.
Only a fellow fat person would know the woes of this story.  I hate walking into a room and the only chairs they have are these weak looking things that I know will scream for help when I sit on it.  I hate it.  I hate booths and I hate that I have to slide in under the armrests at theaters.  I can't wait until I can fit in chairs.  Oh, BTW, I am currently 20 pounds over the weight limit of my office chair.  I am so scared that I am going to break it and have to explain to everyone that the fat girl broke her chair.  Mortifying!!!!!

Feeling as sexy has my husband thinks I am- He is such a great man but I hate meeting his work friends or people from his past because I know when they see me they don't know why he married me.  I always feel bad for him because he has to escort this fattie around and show her off. Of course, he doesn't see it that way and continues to comment and praise me for being sexy and beautiful but it doesn't change what I see in the mirror.  I can't wait until I really do look as great as he says I do.

Wanting to shop for clothes and shoes- We all know this one.  I hate shopping for clothes and shoes because nothing ever fits and it just makes me feel worse.  I can remember a time when I LOVED to shop but that has been a long time ago.  I hope that it is still as fun as it was in the 90's.

Moving- Right now when I move around it hurts.  My knees, my back, my feet, my ankles.....you name it and it hurts.  I am so excited that I am on a path now that will help me feel energy and take away some of that pain. 

Crossing my legs or sitting comfortably- I tell people I move around a lot because I am fidgety but really it is because my lower fat roll is so large that it puts my legs to sleep if I am in one position for too long.  If that doesn't happen then my back will start to hurt or my butt will fall asleep.  Much less embarrassing to just say that I can't sit still.

Being able to eat in public or be in public-  wow, I have convinced myself that everyone talks about me when they see me.  I know, it makes me sound vain but still I guess I am just that self centered that I feel like perfect strangers are so shocked by a 300 pound woman that they have to talk about it.  Oh, and I hate eating in public.  I can just hear the thoughts that (I imagine) they are thinking, "she could miss a few meals", "Is she going to order everything on the menu"  and I don't even want to guess at what they say at the Chinese buffet when I walk up to the food.  Sigh.

TMI-  There are a lot of other things that are kind of TMI.  Things about sex, BM's, showering, wiping, periods and my body in general that I might get into later but will hold off for now. 

I get so excited when I think about my future now.  So excited that I now have the opportunity to take back my life and be happy, healthy and whole again.  I want this so bad for myself, my husband and for my kids.  I know that it is going to take time and that it will not be easy but any small step is at least a step as long as it is in the right direction. 

Update on weight loss-  Soooo, I have lost the 3 pounds I gained over the weekend and now need to lose 2 pounds by tomorrow to still be on schedule.  At least I can say that I have not cheated and that I work out and have done everything I can to meet my goal even if I don't make it. 

Things that I am learning

So I was thinking while on the elliptical last night about all the things that I have learned in the past 4 weeks.  I know this list is going to get longer as I continue on this journey but Here is what I have right now.  It was going to be a list of 10 but it turned out to be 11. 

1.  It can scare people when you stare at all the bodies around you trying to pick out the new one you are going to have.  ( I am pretty sure the world now thinks I am bisexual at this point, cause I catch myself really looking hard to determine if I will look like that.)

2.  You can drink so much water that your urine is clear and races out of you like a waterfall every hour on the hour all day long. 

3.  If you miss a work out your body gets restless and you feel guilty for the whole day. 

4.  If you compromise even just a little on your plan you will find yourself with a bag full of fun size snickers in your mouth and another bag in your hand (hasn't happened yet but I know it will if I give it a chance)

5.  Fast food places do not cater to fat girls trying to loose weight.  Stick with sit down places they always have something.

6.  It will be an emotional roller coaster.  I don't know if it is the food withdraws, the stress, the workouts..... I just don't know what is causing this but I am up and down like a bipolar person.  Hopefully I will even out just a bit and be normal for the sake of my poor family.

7.  If you are as fat as I am losing 20 pounds won't drop you a pant size, help with moving or be noticeable to others.  It will however be noticeable to those who love you and make you feel like you have won a million dollars.

8.  You will come to terms with how you deal with food.  For me, it is like a drug (in my head I hear edward cullins) I crave it, I need it and I miss it.  I probably always will and know that this is a life long thing.  *sigh*

9.  Diet + Exercise not one without the other.  I would love to not workout but I have found that losing weight just doesn't work that way.  poor little fat girl.

10. Be honest with yourself.  I started keeping a food log, activity log and this blog to keep myself honest.  I knew if I did this blog under my own name that I would not be honest and I know that if I wasn't honest on my food log then I would just eat whatever and then look at the log and not know what happened.  I learned to just be honest about why I am fat and deal with it.

11.  You need a support group.  I was so afraid to tell my family but it has been so great for me.  My oldest son cheers me on and keeps me motivated when I am working out, my sister in law lets me pester her with everything, my other family and few friends keep me positive and most of all my husband does it all.  I would not be able to do this alone and it would never happen without him. 

Getting nervous

Well, I found a new resource that I can use to talk with other lapband people.  The forum is called Lapbandtalk.com  and it is really great because it is tons of people that have been or going to be banded all over the place.  I still like the OCC forum but it doesn't get updated very much and so it doesn't have as much to read and participate in.  This one even has a board for people that have a BMI over 50 and that is me.  I am at 53 right now down from 56 but still above the 50 I need to be at in three weeks.  And that brings us to why I am getting nervous.  So, I have been reading a lot from people that are over 50 on the BMI and I noticed a theme where they would get to the surgery and find out that the liver was too fatty to put the band on. That would break me down so much if that happens to me and I can't help but worry that it will.  I am still 15 pounds above what I need to be for my surgery and I have less than 3 weeks.  What makes it worse is that I keep going through periods of gaining.  For example, I gained 3 pounds in 2 days.  I did not change my eating or anything.  I just gained for some weird universe type of joke on me.  I guess it is my fault, I must have overdone it on the celery and snap peas, or maybe it could have been the sugar free jello, or perhaps it was the adkins shakes.  I know it must have been the work outs, I hear they are pretty fattening.  It just makes me so angry that I gain weight on nothing!  I don't even cheat and I put on weight.  It is just stressing me out.  I have to lose this weight but nothing I am doing seems to be fixing it.  What else can I cut?  Maybe if I breath less it will help.  Air seems to be high on carbs and goes straight to my fat rolls so I guess I will now cut out air.  I really don't want to get all the way out there and be told that I am too fat to lose weight and not get banded but if I don't find a way to get this off that is what will happen.  This pity party has 8 more hours and then it will be back home and on the elliptical for the second time today. Fat girl out.

Reset my goals

Since my "cycle" set me back on my mini goals I had to reset them so that they were not impossible to reach.  It was comforting that my nutritionist told me it is normal for people to stop losing weight around their period and it was frustrating that the diet made my period a week late and stretched out.  OH well!!!!  I am still trying for 5 pounds a week but I know that I am more than likely not going to make the 40 pounds goal that was given to me.  I will probably get to 30-35 if I keep making my mini goals.  Thanks to the stomach flu I was able to make the goal this week.  I lost a little over 5 pounds and the bonus was that I was able to put on my wedding ring.  I had to take it off about 3 months ago because it was too tight and so it felt great to put it back on.  I have also lost 3 inches on my hips and 2 on my waist.  Slow but steady!  I have still not cheated on my plan and have adjusted to the loss of some pretty great food but there are still days when I just feel hungry all day!  I am sure those will get better with time too.

After taking a little over a week off from exercise for my period and my stomach bug I was nervous about getting started back up.  I was afraid I would be right back at square one.  I was a little sore but did not have to lower my intensity level or my time so it was great.  I have also learned to use it as my quiet mind time.  I don't think about anything but breathing and what I am doing.  Just me and my fat moving and hopefully working hard.  I remember a few years ago when brother in law taught me how to lift weights.  I loved it.  In fact I miss it.  I felt so powerful and it is odd but I even felt pretty doing it.  Like I was a superhero.  I know, crazy right?  Sadly I do not have weights in my home and don't even have the space for them but maybe eventually I will have a bit more time (darn football season) to work out and be able to go to the community center. 

Here is a sample of my daily intake and activity log:

9-30-10

Water: 96 oz

Breakfast: Atkins shake

Lunch: Salad

Snack: hand full of nuts

Dinner: Chicken, green beans

Meds: metformin,

            400 mcg CP

Activity: 30 Minutes swimming

                15 minutes elliptical

Notes: Had a great day and it felt great to be in the pool again.  I have lost 21 pounds in 4 weeks!