I mentioned in my week evaluation that my husband gave me a come to band lecture during our camping trip. He called me out on a few things that he said I needed to fix. It all went to the same root....... my mental image of myself. He is completely correct that I still think of myself as a 350 pound woman and still present, live and behave as such. I am still worried about if I am going to break something just by leaning on it and afraid to be the old me. Afraid to try new things and be the life of the party in hopes that no one sees just how fat I am. I have been chastised and to prove I can change I jumped off the top sun deck of the party barge we were on when I got the lecture.
Let's start from why he gave me the talk. We rented a barge for the day during our camping trip so that we could have fun and go around the lake. As we were heading out the marina people told my husband that we can jump off of the deck that is the roof of the barge. Well, he had no problems trying that out as soon as we got to a good spot. He knows that I used to jump off cliffs and love to swim and used to be a bit of an adrenaline junkie until I gained all of my weight so he told me to try it. I quickly reminded him that I was too heavy and would some how tip the huge boat over if I did it. He jumped a few more times and then he swam over to me and gave me the talk. He reminded me that I weigh less than ten pounds more than he does right now and that I needed to update my mental image of myself. He is tired of seeing me revert back to 70 pounds ago and progress mentally the same way that I am physically. I could see in his face that it hurts him to see how I see myself and it woke me up.
I am still fat but I am not as fat as I was and there is no reason that I should always see myself physically as a fat girl. I know that I will always have issues with food and some mental things but when I hit a new milestone I need to update my mental image and celebrate the new things that I can once again enjoy. I am no longer going to hide behind my fat in hopes that no one looks my way in disgust but I am going to let my true self start chipping its way out one pound at a time. I am fat now but I will not always be this big I will keep losing weight no matter how many set backs I have and I need to accept the changes and move on with my life. Why have I created a security blanket with my weight? No, that's the wrong phrase.......Why have I created a mental prison from my weight? That is better, I have built a prison in my mind of what I can and cannot do or be as a fat girl. Well, my husband slipped me a metal file in my adkins shake and I am working on freeing myself. I hope that all of you will join me on this great escape!